


Rules Lawyering

by theneonpineapple



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Demons, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24215353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theneonpineapple/pseuds/theneonpineapple
Summary: (Random scene, abandoned premise.) Ned writes a loophole into a bargain with demon Boyd. Boyd finds a loophole of his own.
Relationships: Edmund "Ned" Chicane/Boyd Mosche
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	Rules Lawyering

Stern sighed and lowered the scroll. Ned smirked, just a hint of worry showing that he had any doubts about his success, and Boyd glared. “Well?” The demon demanded. Stern looked at him over the tops of his reading glasses.

“I’m afraid he’s right,” said Stern. “You can’t collect his soul.”

“Well, why the bloody hell not? It says I can collect--”

“It says you can collect  _ after  _ Heaven takes ownership of the soul. And unfortunately, since Ned here is very much damned--”

Ned looked even more pleased with himself.

“--there’s little chance an angel will concern themselves with him. Other psychopomps might be willing, but--”

“But I checked the box for this pantheon only,” said Ned.

Boyd gritted his teeth. He had a  _ lot _ of teeth to grit, so it was pretty impressive. “I’ll kill you,” he growled.

“You can’t do that, either,” Stern told him.

“And why not?”

“It says you can collect either upon his natural death or upon the ten year mark, whichever comes first. However,  _ until collection time _ , you cannot do him any harm, and since we’ve already established that collection time will never come…”

Boyd swore in a language not built for human comprehension, and Ned turned to give him a shit-eating grin.

“I have to say, Ned, it’s one of the most impressive pieces of rules-lawyering I’ve seen in at least a thousand years,” Stern said. “It’s also a uniquely terrible idea. You’re not the first person to have done it, mind you, but it doesn’t end well.”

“How, uh, how so?”

“Because you’ve limited yourself to this pantheon, and you’ve forfeited all chance at either afterlife - you’re going to die. And then your soul is going to wander this plane until this plane is destroyed. Then who knows where you’ll wind up?”

“Not in Hell,” said Ned. “That’s good enough for me.”

The spirit cocked his head a little. He reached up to take off his reading glasses, folding them neatly and tucking them into his suit jacket. “Ned,” he sighed. “As an interplanar contract lawyer, I’m a very busy man, and the loops you’ve run through this contract had to be mapped out very carefully for me to try and find Boyd here any way to collect on the spirit of this bargain, despite your attempts to muddy the letter of it. I failed, which is going to look poorly on my record. Boyd got duped, which is going to look poorly to his superiors. In short, you’re a pain in my ass and his ass.”

Boyd bared his many, many teeth.

Ned gulped, but said, “He can’t hurt me, and you… aren’t allowed to get involved.”

“Oh, I’m  _ allowed _ , Ned. I’m not bound by any contracts. I just think it’s unprofessional. And my professional obligation is to inform both parties of their options. Ned, if at any point you change your mind between now and your natural end, you can try for this… infinite grace thing, and an angel will take you, and Boyd can collect.”

“Not gonna happen,” said Ned. “Sorry, big guy.”

“And Boyd, while grievous bodily harm and in any way contributing to Mr. Chicane’s death are off the table, there’s nothing here to say you can’t make his life and undeath, well.  _ Hell _ .”

Ned glances sidelong at Boyd, nervous, as Boyd grins. “Hm,” he says. And, “Shit.”

**Author's Note:**

> In my head, Boyd bothers Ned until they fall in love and then Ned accidentally becomes a hero and dies a hero's death - and then Boyd gets his soul and they stay together anyway.


End file.
